God and my depression

Depression is a mental illness that has a negative impact on how you feel, the way you think and the way you act. According to WHO, 300 million people worldwide have depression and is the leading cause of disability.

Why?

Why so many people suffer from this medical illness?

Why even in the “happiest” homes there is someone that feels like the world is against them, no one understands or even worst… it’s better to just end it all?*

Why is this disease so common among us?

I once had a battle with depression (and social anxiety) when I was a teenager. It resulted in me isolating myself from my loved ones and placed a fake smile whenever I left my room and have to face the real world.

How did I know I had depression? Well, I started to notice that everything that people seemed to be excited about it will feel like a burden to me. Going out with friends, being with family, etc. All those activities I would try my hardest to avoid.

Another thing I noticed is that I would always be alone in my room just filled with thoughts of wanting to disappear or what it would be like if I died.

Other things just placed the icing on the not so yummy cake… one day I picked up a knife wondering what it would be like if I just stabbed myself then I realized I didn’t want to die a painful death, I just wanted to not exist anymore.

My family members are loving, kind and were always worried about me being alone. But my mind would not allow me to enjoy their company or even tell them things that were going on because I felt as though they wouldn’t understand or wouldn’t be much help. My self-esteem was pretty low and I looked on other people’s lives and wished I had it like that(social media made everything worst)

 

Everyone will be different when it comes to depression because it has different stages but some of the common signs are:

  1. No energy (always tired)
  2. Anger or irritable ( anything can tick you off)
  3. Reckless behavior
  4. Self-pity
  5. Feeling of hopelessness
  6. Loss of interest to do daily activities (even things you once enjoyed)
  7. Sleep/ Sleep pattern changes

And the list goes on… Not everyone will have the same symptoms but you would notice that something has differently changed (based on my experience)

How did God deliver me from depression? At that point in my life, I was basically trying to fill up a hole that wouldn’t be filled. I would watch movies and stay in my room for hours, I would hardly talk to my family and friends and try to avoid them as much as possible.

One day, I was at my bedside just thinking when the sudden urge to pray fell on me. That to me was strange considering that I never in my life had a heartfelt prayer. I immediately confessed all my sins and ask God to help me, I had nowhere else to turn and only God will truly understand that I’m in a battle that is all in my head. The enemy was messing with my mind, my thoughts and manifested in my actions and Enough was enough.

After that prayer, I’m not going to lie to you, I did fall back in sin and messed up but that was the beginning of my journey. This eventually made me open up enough to talk to someone and that helped me tremendously.  I had to take baby steps to change my mentality and try my hardest to be more positive, this time it was easier because I had God by my side.

Not going to sugarcoat it either and say all you need to do is pray to God and you healed immediately, it IS MOST DEFINITELY possible, but sometimes when it comes to prayer you have to be persistent and fight the battle.

If you noticed in the Bible when God was sending the Israelites (Book of Joshua) to live in their new home(promise land), He told them to go battle and He will deliver their enemies in their hands. When you think about it, God is most definitely able to just get rid of the people living there but He chose to let them fight the battle but promised that the battle is won. This can apply to you also, yes God can just get rid of the problem, but if you fight the battle and allow God to be on your side no matter what, your faith will deepen.  God is with you.

I’m not saying that this battle will be simple, difficult challenges will arise. What I am saying is that you won’t have to go through it alone, there are people out there willing to help you during the dark cloudy season. Seek help during this time and most importantly Seek God.

I hope this post allows someone to keep on fighting their battle and don’t give up.

I have a post coming soon speaking of my issues with social anxiety and how God is helping me.

*If you are thinking of suicide please don’t, talk to someone you trust or you can even reach out to me at mydiary@writeme.com. I love and care about you and know this isn’t the answer.*

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Do you think you’re a good person?

Almost everyone in this world at some point or another labeled themselves as a good person( or pretty decent). When we look at the world around us we would say that they’re definitely some people lying to themselves, claiming they are good people when they’re clearly not.

I always think that I’m a decent citizen because I don’t steal, I haven’t killed anyone and the list goes on. I came across videos from a YouTube channel “Living Waters” which touch on this topic a lot. A man named Ray Comfort goes around ministering to people and he always asks them if they think they’re good people. Sure enough, almost all say “Yes I try to be” or something similar in that nature.  He then asks how many times they lie, have they ever stolen, have they ever hated anyone or look at someone with lust.

After watching those videos it made me realize that us as humans heart is wicked but we seem to push the sins we committed aside but will point a finger on someone else. We see telling a little white lie as something harmless but when someone does it in a different manner they’re liars. When will we start looking at ourselves and realize that no matter, if someone commits a sin different than us, doesn’t make our “harmless”.

There is no such thing as a harmless sin, as the bible says All Liars, Thieves, Murderers(that includes those who hate one another), etc, will be sent to the lake of fire. That’s devastating when you think about it, we all stirred up God’s wrath and deserve His punishment.

THANKFULLY God loves us so much He gave us a way out, The Father sent His only Son to die on the cross for the sins we DESERVED. We don’t deserve to be saved but because of God’s love, He gave us this gift.

To sum it all up, no we aren’t good people, we have stirred God’s wrath at some point in our lives. The Bible states that our hearts are wicked but because of the love God has for us He gave us The Way to Him, Jesus Christ. 

God Bless.

Anxiety: My reality Pt. 2

I had social anxiety and it’s difficult for me to have a simple conversation. My mind floods with negative thoughts of what the person might think of me. If I do find something to say, I’m afraid that if I say it won’t make sense.

I may come off as shy or quiet because I’ve learned not to look like I want to jump out the nearest window (not literally but you get it) in a public setting but on the inside, I just wanna go home.

My mother also suffers from severe anxiety which is so bad to the point that when she has anxiety attacks she send up in the hospital. Its a domino effect on her, that triggers other illnesses and she has to just go to the hospital because it’s so bad.

Online I see people making jokes about anxiety and depression making it harder for those who actually have it. When someone claims to have anxiety as a joke it makes it harder for someone who has it to express it. You see jokes about suicide, depression, OCD, etc. For people who suffer these illnesses, it isn’t funny at all its actually triggering.

When I was younger, it was a battle leaving just to go to school. It would be better when I’m with friends but it’s a nightmare if I’m in a class and my friends didn’t make it to school (I didn’t have many friends, to begin with).

Whenever I had an anxiety attack at home, I will lock myself in my room and sit on the floor or in a corner and let it all out. If it was in public, I would appear very nervous or uncomfortable on the outside; I would sweat, stutter and try to escape to somewhere private so I can cry and panic some more. It was very difficult for me to go anywhere with a large crowd without wanting to run away.

Right now I’m doing pretty better, I’ve learned to take deep breaths whenever I start to feel like running away.  The first step for me was praying about it, then I talked to people about my problem which made a huge difference, I wasn’t alone anymore. I still have moments where it creeps up on me but I have improved tremendously over the last year.

 

If you have anxiety, know that you’re not alone and someone is willing to talk to you about it. Pray about it and talk to someone you trust… You will make it.

 

God bless.

Anxiety: The Basics Pt.1

Anxiety is the feeling of unease (worry or fear) and it can be mild or severe. At some point in your life, you would feel anxiety which can be normal, healthy emotion; examples are taking an exam, job interview or trying a difficult task.

Someone who has severe anxiety can suffer from any little things others can overlook or even if it’s not almost everything, the triggers that cause it can be something other people will label as normal.

Examples being: going to a gathering, having a conversation with someone who they hardly know, change of routine, going to work/school, etc. When people who don’t have knowledge that suffers from anxiety may label it as just being shy.

Being shy and having anxiety have similar characteristics such as feeling nervous around others, someone who suffers from severe anxiety will go through more than just simply feeling nervous around a group of people.

Scenarios of being Shy and Having Anxiety in a social setting ( So you can see the difference):

  • Shyness- Standing in front of the class to present and you’re talking very softly because of nervousness.
  • Anxiety- Standing in front of the class to present and you’re cold sweating, seeing blurring, stuttering between every line, etc.

Everybody’s experience will be different but that’s the comparison of Shyness and Anxiety so you can see the difference.

Anxiety can go as far as the feeling of dying or everything around is crumbling down. You think of the worst case scenario in every situation, no matter how small it is. In a nutshell, anxiety sucks, It ruins things that could have been.

It ruins friendships and opportunities simply because it makes you feel afraid and ashamed for something that’s not even happening. It makes your chest tight (makes it hard to breathe), A simple conversation is complicated, it makes you sweat and it’s cold, it makes you feel like everyone hates you and they’re just trying to help. Anxiety makes life harder than it already is and anyone who has it knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I know this story far too well… when will it end?

 

 

 

In my next post, I will speak on my personal experiences and my loved ones who have it and how serious it can get.

Stay tuned.